Where to begin ....

I suppose I should start with my story. I am a "normal" 20 year old student, studying at an undisclosed University, reading English and missing someone. You may wonder why I bring that other fact in so suddenly, well I suppose its because this certain someone is always on my mind. The significance of this recent love?
I never met him.
It all began about 7 months ago, an innocent encounter, well perhaps not so innocent as we were both with other people, over a mobile internet chat room. Two false names. No other reason to talk except horniess/boredom. The usual sexual pleasantries. Phone numbers exchanged we carried on casually texting, and somehow it escalated into this. A broken heart. One may wonder why I'm choosing to bore people with this story, or even why you are reading it? Because I have nobody else to talk to about this. How do you even begin to explain a tangled web like this, without the risk of looking like a complete saddo and the expected disbelief? You can't. So for all this time its been hidden.
Now dont get me wrong, if one of my friends were to tell me that they had gotten themselves in this predicament i probably would have jested, yelled GET OVER IT over and over in my head while they were lamenting their lost love, so how the hell am i here? and why????
He was in a loveless (on his part) relationship with a 26 year old woman, living with her, and he was exactly my type of guy. Despite not being classically beautiful or handsome, he so was. I've never wanted to kiss someone more in my life. Stubborn by nature, oh my god so stubborn, but still no matter how many phone calls he ignored (he hated talking on the phone) or texts he chose to abruptly reply to, while i was whispering sweet nothings to him, i still long.
You probably are thinking right now what a sap, what a mug, what a whining fool, why doesnt she just meet up with him? As well as thinking, Jesus, she said she was an English student, she doesnt write like one. Where are her apostrophe's? Ha.
Well the thing is. I can't meet him. Ever. Why?
Because I sent him a picture in the first instance of someone that wasn't me. Why I did this I have no fucking idea?!?! But I suppose I didnt want a stranger to have my photo. But I had no idea the stranger would turn out to be the person I want to be with more than any other person. in the whole world. Amen. Argggggh!!!!!!!! I don't even know why? I'm good looking, and I say that with just a hint of vanity.
I understand this man, and he understands me. He's told me he's leaving to live in Canada if I didn't pull through for him this time when we were supposed to meet him. Oh, didnt I tell you that? I've arranged and let him down to meet up many many times, backing out at the last minute, until the last time, when I pretended to be somebody else my friend (don't ask) that he's told me, and I quote my gorgeous Mr who was always telling me I would change my mind when I met him, " never ever text me," and answering the phone to me in a tone I knew what was coming, "What? What a liar. What a liar."
So what do I do?
If only my blog ended with "Reader, I married him."
Why did I lie to him?Can you really feel like this for someone you've never met?I feel like a desperate woman but this man turns me on, he makes me laugh, he makes me feel special, he loves me. For God's sakes Ive masturbated thinking about him. A lot. Ewww, is that too much information?!
He was going to change his life for me. But I just let him down. Badly this time. When I was pretending to be my friend, trying to put him off going to the hotel I'd told him I'd booked, he said in no uncertain terms how much he loved me. And this is not a man that is at ease with words.
Guys, help. Why am I such a big loser? A really big fucking loser with a cherry on top?

Nothin' but love!
X